Srutakirti diary

Sruta kirti dasa: "The mood was very sombre and intense. I've already described how he asked his disciples not to touch his feet saying, 'By their touching my feet I have to suffer. They may not be trying to achieve some goal by touching my feet, still the spiritual master has to suffer by accepting their sinful reactions.' Now Srila PRabhupada said things to me that I did not comprehend. It was very disturbing. The words cut through my heart. He mentioned it to me on two separate occasions during his illness saying, 'One of my disciples is simply waiting -- when will the old man die so that I can become guru.' I could not believe what I was hearing. I never imagined that day that Srila Prabhupada would not be with us. I was young and naive and thought Srila Prabhupada would be with us until he was 100 years old. Thoughts of his being gone and others giving initiation had never been a subject of conversation. He sat up in his bed and looking at me said,  "This illness is because eighty percent of the leaders are not following the ..." (p.188)